The Latest Breaking Developments in Our Struggle for Survival

-"Harry Potter and the Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl" continues to sell at an alarming rate. Experts predict by next week, the books will out number humans 3 to 1.

-The Foo Fighters and Weezer have announced a co-headlining tour which will set new standards for people spending money on bands that should've died years ago.

-Marilyn Manson will be working on a series of horror films which will be broadcasting from his website. In an actual quote, Manson says: “I might add that the girls playing Tweedle Dee and Dum are twins who get to have real, genuine sex with each other. I like to make dreams come true." This is in reference to the fact that one of his films will be about the origin of "Alice in Wonderland"s characters of the same name. Its quite possibly the best quote I've heard all year so far.

-President Bush made the following announcement last night: "Well, I'm nominating a guy who might as well be fucking me to be the new Supreme Court Justice. So I was thinking that instead of going through all that trouble, I'd just disband the Supreme Court altogether."